The Letter
by imaginethatmel
Summary: "Dear Edward, I think we both know this letter is way overdue. I don't really know why I've decided to write it now, but I've realized I owe it to myself to be honest and open, something I haven't been in the last 13 years. 13 years-that's a really long time to be in love with someone. Because that's what I've been doing-falling hard. Oh come on, you can't be that shocked." AH ExB


_Dear Edward, _

_I think we both know that this letter is way overdue. I don't really know why I've decided to write it now – it might be my compulsive viewing of Rom Coms or way to many love songs on my Ipod – but I'm realizing that I owe it to myself to be honest and open, something I haven't been in the last 13 years. 13 years – that's a really long time to be in love with someone. Because that's what I've been doing – falling hard. Oh come on, you can't be that shocked. All the blushing and stammering and avoiding and awkwardness every time I'm around you? Yeah that's not because I'm a social imbecile - it's because I can barely form two sentences with the way you strike me dumb. _

_The way I see it, you can do one of two things with this letter. You can be totally creeped out by my long time love and attention, show this letter to everyone and tell them about that weird girl who just won't leave you alone, thereby crushing my heart and pride (which I have so knowingly sacrificed by even writing this letter). Personally, I'm not a big fan of this option. It requires a lot more embarrassment on my end then I'd like. Luckily, there's another option. You can take this letter for what it's meant – a compliment. I mean, I've liked you for 13 years - this included your awkward phase. I noticed you and I noticed the awesome person that you were/are and stayed interested for a really, really long time. I hope you choose this one. It's a nice option for me. _

_The thing is, Edward, I don't really even know you. I mean I do in the sense that our families have known each other for years (see previous mention of 13 years), but I don't think I've ever had a conversation with you that lasted more than 5 minutes. That's kind of sad. I know the basics, the surface information that acquaintances often know, but I don't know any particulars that make you you. Let me tell you what I do know, because these are the things that have kept me occupied all this time. I know you're quick witted and sarcastic. I love this about you because I like to think I am too (just, you know, not around you for aforementioned dumbstruck-ness). Sarcasm is a language that not everyone speaks or understands, but you are well versed and fluent, which makes you quite attractive. You are also sweet. I think this is what I first noticed about you back when I first met you at school. You probably don't remember, but I do because it was a really big deal for me. Let's take a trip back in time: My family was just ripped apart by my mom and we moved, which meant I left behind all of my friends at my old school. The new one my dad chose for me just happened to be yours. It was my very first day there and I was so nervous because I didn't know anyone and I was so sad because my mom wasn't there and I just wanted to be anywhere but there. You were the first person I met. Your mom had come over to my dad and was introducing your family and, Edward, you were so nice. Like ridiculously friendly and nice. You instantly put me at ease with your sweetness and gentleness (you had yet to learn the language of sarcasm). That stayed with me for a long time – just the genuineness of your heart and the impact it had on me during such a painful time. So thank you for that. _

_Lets see, where did I leave off on fluffing your ego with compliments? Oh yeah. So after developing that initial crush of an innocent child, I noticed you every time you were around, just like any girl with a crush. You came around often because of the friendship between Jasper and Emmett. I remember being so excited whenever you'd come over with him and I would try to get you to notice me but you never did - you were such a little heartbreaker. I guess that's how the years passed. When I got older and saw you at school when you finally decided to come into the real world (no, homeschooling is not the real world), it was right around the time that all my friends were going boy crazy. We had a lot to go crazy for, but I wasn't interested in any of them. You had caught my attention and hadn't shaken it off. So while the other girls' crushes changed biweekly, mine didn't. _

_It was probably around this time that you realized my interest, I wasn't exactly subtle what with the staring and giggling and whispering and blushing. I'm really sorry if I ever made you uncomfortable, though. I wasn't too self-aware back then so I didn't realize that it wasn't normal to stare and blush at boys. When you left middle school for high school, I thought I'd forget about you. I did, for a while. Our families didn't really see each other that often, so you kind of slipped from my mind for a few years. I developed other crushes on other boys and grew into myself as an awkward teenager. And then the River happened. That first summer that my dad and I went to the River with you and your family was when my crush on you was really cemented. It was a week of realizing how awesome you really are, which means a week of painfully awkward moments between you and me. Can I ever say I'm sorry enough? I can just picture the staring and gawking and stammering like an idiot made you real comfortable (please note: sarcasm). Anyways, it was during this week that I got to know you as more than a boy that I had built up so high in my head. I realized how funny you are, how much you care for your mom and siblings, how interested you are in the world around you, and how you can also be a cocky little thing. I was attracted to all of those things because I thought for sure that we'd get along so well. Those are still the things that I'm attracted to you for. You're still that same kid that I was so intrigued by at school and then again at the River. You've matured and changed so much, but you're still all those things that interested me in the first place. Only now, I see your heart for people and that's the best part about you. That's the one thing that keeps me coming back for you all of these years later. _

_I'm not stupid or idealistic so trust me when I say I don't expect any reciprocal attention but I just thought that, after 13 freakin' years, you should know the truth. I'm not an idiot or socially stunted (well, maybe a little), I just have a mad crush on you. I don't know why I'm choosing to tell you this now, like I mentioned, but I think it might be because I can just picture how good we'd be together. I can only imagine that I'm not your type, but it's hard to reconcile that because you are mine. You're totally my type and that's why it's so hard to forget you. You're a one of a kind guy and I wish so badly that you could see how good we'd be together, too. But you won't because, if I'm being honest with myself, we probably wouldn't be that good together. I've built up the idea of you and us so high in my head that any real thing could never compare. We'd be doomed from the start because of all the high expectations I'd have and the pressure that would put on a budding relationship. I wish I could say I'm sorry for dooming us to failure, but that would imply that I'd ever even have a chance at capturing your attention the way you have mine. _

_So I guess the reason I'm writing this isn't influenced by some sort of hope I have of ever being with you, but rather the realization that I never will be. A therapeutic letter, if you will. I think I'm also writing this to you now because I'll most likely never see you again. You see, I've decided to attend UW, a far cry from Arizona State. I haven't told anyone yet, so try to keep it to yourself until I work up the courage to break the news to my dad. So I guess the awkwardness that will inevitably follow this letter won't be in existence because I'll never be in the same room as you again. So my impending departure has given me bravery that I wouldn't have otherwise._

_I don't want you to feel bad for me, Edward. I don't want you to think I've been pining for you all these years (even though I sort of have been). Its not like I've been writing your name into my journals with hearts and butterflies. You've simply always been there, in the back of my mind, as a possibility and "what if." Not now, though. You'll be gone from my mind after this because you have to be. It's nothing personal, obviously. It's just that it's time for me to move on with my life and try to find a meaningful relationship with someone who loves me as much, if not more, as I love them. I deserve that, just like you deserve someone who likes you for more than the surface level stuff._

_So I guess this is a thank you - for always being so awesome and showing me what kind of guys are out there, ones that are worth the wait – and a goodbye._

_Love, Bella_


End file.
